I Have Decided

*names have been changed for confidentiality*

There is a moment when everything shifts. I can’t put it into words or into earthly metaphors. Maybe it’s what happened to Paul on the road to Damascus when he had a revelation that the man he called his enemy, the man named Jesus, was actually the fulfillment of prophecies that his whole life had been dedicated to. The revelation that He is who He says He is. Or maybe it was the moment Mary smashed the alabaster jar, realizing the man in front of her is the Messiah – she saw him rightly. Or maybe it was in Peter denying the man he had spent the last 3 years with. Not from shame, but from actual realization that he didn’t know the man who would give up his life for sinners, he couldn’t fathom it, he couldn’t understand Him, and thus when he said he didn’t know this man named Jesus, maybe it came from an honest place in his heart that he actually didn’t. It was the first time he questioned if he had seen Jesus rightly. I can’t describe the moment – only that nothing will be the same after. The thing is, you can have Holy reverence for God and walk in holiness without having a real revelation or understanding of God’s love and love for God (think of the pharaces)  – a lack of friendship with the Lord, with Jesus, with the Holy Spirit. A few weeks ago I had a shifting moment and here’s the story.

We were leaving for outreach where about ten of us went to an apartment complex to invite people to our worship event and to pray with and for the community. I was with my friend Liza when we came across a man named Demarquis. He flung the door open a second after we knocked saying he has been waiting for maintenance, but it must be a sign since he had opened the door right away. We told him about the event and asked if he needed prayer for anything. He said “that america would wake up.” We got to tell him that’s exactly what we are contending for, but through the power of Jesus. He began to open up about writing his graduate thesis for his PHD about how systemic racism keeps people of color from making it to higher education, however the university kept refusing to publish it for a multitude of reasons, namely pride and fear of recognizing they were taking part in that systemic racism. We got to encourage him and share that his heart for future generations of POC is God’s heart. Liza, being black, was able to relate on a personal level and shared about the black voices conference that Circuit Riders had started to empower black voices to be raised up and sent out as missionaries. She also talked about the heart of God on the matter of racism. Liza asked if he knew the story of Moses and he confided that the Bible was a great source of pain and trauma for him from his childhood growing up in an abusive Baptist household. Liza asked if she could simply share the story with him.  He said that was fine. She launched into a beautiful narration of how Moses’ heart broke for his people even in the safety of his life as an adopted Egyptian. He contended on behalf of his people and was rejected time and time again, but he pressed forward. We got to share that message with Demarquis, halfway through the story he says “whoah – I’ve never heard the story told like this.” The Holy Spirit spoke through Liza and into his heart. He had never seen God rightly and when we offered to pray he eagerly joined in. Liza lead the prayer meanwhile he was gripping our hands as if it was a lifeline. Liza began commissioning him as a voice for the next generation and praying for freshness over him when Liza finished, unprompted, he began to pray directly to God, with his voice cracking he said “Lord – it’s been so long since I’ve talked to you, because I’ve been so afraid. I want what you have for me.” I was truly undone by his genuine heart posture towards the Lord. I could tell a visible stirring in his spirit was happening. He shared that, for the first time in a while, he was able to feel human, that we got to see his cracks and flaws and it felt good!! Lord that’s it! People just want to be seen! He said today the Lord sent him soldiers right to his front door. As we left he gave us each the biggest and most genuine hug – he even lifted me off my feet. I left forever changed. Lord – even the memory written down doesn’t do it justice. Let his earnest voice forever remain in my heart.

That night at the event, I didn’t shoot media, but just received from God. There was a sobering in my spirit as I realized the urgency for people to meet you, the man Jesus. How so many people associate you with trauma when that can be healed by sharing the truth of the Gospel with love. It’s so important God that people would see you rightly. My heart broke for that. I wept all night. I didn’t jump or celebrate, I let my heart be scored and marked for people to see your face for it to change their lives. There was a fragrance from his room that was so strong that it saturated the air. That smell has yet to leave me and always brings me right back to that door where a man was met with the truth of Jesus and I was met with my ignorance to the reality that everyone has a representation of Jesus, but not everyone has the right representation of Jesus. When you stand face to face with the lost what will you tell them?

If you have come to realize you lack friendship with Jesus, wait no longer to invite him into your heart, into your space, and into your life. This isn’t only for unbelievers, but equally if not more for believers who honor the scriptures, who live in reverence, but don’t have a burning passion for the Lord in all they do because of a lack of friendship, a lack of revelation of the man. A loveless Christianity. And without love it says we are clanging symbols in life. If you surrender pride and need friendship with Jesus to wreck your life here is a simple prayer to start with.

Get on your knees, not because you have to, but because God first showed us this posture in creating Adam. Hold out your hands in a receiving posture and pray, “Jesus I want you as Lord of my life, but even more so I want you as a friend. Give me a greater revelation of your love, bring me back to first love with you.” Then wait and Listen. Often, we treat prayer as a survey to fill out, not a relationship. Trust God wants to speak with you, then give Him space to speak.  It says when we earnestly seek him we will find him, so I believe if you pray with expectancy for Him to move He will.

I want to live with a revelation of Jesus’ love that ushers me into wasting my life for His glory, a revelation of love that invites me to the smashing of jars of oil, a revelation of love that provokes me to turn completely from my old life.

That kind of love is tangible and it comes in the form of a man Jesus Christ.